Intentions and actions..
So yesterday I went to my doctor who told me I had a detached retina in my left eye. It’s not the worst thing to have go wrong with a body. If it’s not treated you lose the sight in that eye, but I’m getting it treated so I’ll be fine. The problem in this is the treatment.
In order to fix it, they have to stick a twelve foot long needle directly into my eye (okay, so maybe it’s shorter, but long or short doesn’t really matter when it’s being jabbed into your eye). I’m the type of person who needs a general anaesthetic just to have my lip waxed so you can imagine my horror when they told me I am expected to be alert and conscious for this procedure.
My intention is go bravely into the eye jabbing place and let them go at it. But, I don’t think I can make myself be that brave. I have no idea how I’ll actually lay there and not succumb to the urge to prevent this from happening in any way possible. And, that got me to thinking about my teens and the gap between their intentions and their actions.
I know they so often intend to do the right thing, to follow through what is expected of them. But, like I will be when lying on that hospital bed, they find at the last minute that they just can’t do it. It’s never about wanting to do the wrong thing, it’s always about just not having what it takes to do the right thing. I don’t mean the stealing, they have choices there, but about the gap between the ability to go to school when there is a test that they know they will fail and their capacity to make themselves do so. And about their intention to look for work and their capacity to do so when they’ve been fired from every job they’ve had. And, well, you know what I mean.
So, this has left me with a bit more empathy. I don’t have fasd to block my ability to follow through, but I do have intense fear. I don’t know when this will be done so you’ll likely hear more and I whine my way through these coming days.
