Brenda McCreight PH.D.

I spent last evening at the police station while they interviewed party boy about this recent theft. I haven’t had to do this since Jason was a teen, and oh yes, it brought back many memories that I really didn’t need. Party boy owned up to everything, and the police will now try to get the item back. If they retrieve it, he may be able to get restorative justice, if not, it’s theft and a criminal record. He was stunned to know that meant he wouldn’t be going to Disneyland on our next family trip (no leaving the country), nor would he and I be going on our ritual trip (In our family, we try to take one teen to a third world nation - a big rite of passage for us - I couldn’t take #5 anywhere because of her penchant for seeing dead people on buses and travel in 3rd world nations requires a lot of bus travel - but #6 got to go to Bali and I had planned to take party boy to Viet Nam or maybe Brazil). Well, that’s that. We’ll have to wait and see what happens. The police constable told me after the interview that party boy is a very polite and pleasant youth. Yes indeed, I recall many a police officer saying the same about Jason. Good to know that I’m not raising rude criminals.

While I was waiting for party boy, a well dressed, profesisonal looking man came into the station to inquire why his criminal record check had come back negative. Apparently (there’s no privacy in police stations) his family was involved in hosting international student trade - his daughter would go to some country for a year and a student from that country would come to school here and stay with them. The officer looked it up and it turned out the man had been involved in a minor car accident when he was 16 and since alcohol had been involved, all the boys in the car were charged. It never went to court so the man assumed he didn’t have a criminal record, but he did. Now his daughter’s dreams are dashed and he has to deal with knowing his reckless choice one summer night over two decades ago has changed how his daughter sees him. He was horrified and humiliated. I certainly told party boy about that after so he can really understand how this event doesn’t have a short term ending.

All else is going well considering it’s summer and there’s no structure. The littles will be in day camp after we return from camping so that will give them some structure, but it’s still hard for them - they like to know what’s going to happen every single minute. #14 can handle the spontenaity of summer - she’s really an ornament on the tree of life - nothing is serious or ugly or bad in her world. But her 4 bsibs really wobble emotionally when they can’t predict their moment to moment lives.  We’re going to be spending the next few days getting ready to go camping on Monday so that will take up some of their energy - I hope.

Things are stalled on my house renovations. It seems like the reno guys also have trouble with the lack of structure in summer because they have just sort of disappeared on me. Now it will have to be halted while we’re away and I’ll have to track them down and get them motivated to show up again when we get back They’re as much work as my teens and these are grown men with families and jobs. I guess it never ends.

I need to re-focus today. Its a holiday here in Canada and I’m going to spend it doing neat stuff with my 5 youngest (ages 7 to 11). We’ll take them allowance shopping first and then swimming at a beach and then to a movie. It will be a great day with some bickering and some squabbling and some threats, but it will be fun too and I really need to see that and live it in the moment.

The problem I’m having is that party boy has done a major theft that had serious repercussions for many people. I don’t know that the legal outcome will be all that harsh. I’m hoping for probation but I think he will only get diversion or restorative justice.  Anyway, it’s been very disheartening for me and I went into quite a depression for the last couple of days (or was that decades?). I still put this all down to the reunion with the bparents. I would never have let that happen in his teens but it was all done beyond my control, as is most of life. Will he get back on track? Who knows. I have faith that he will, but as you all know, when you’re in the middle of the pile it’s hard to remember that there’s a pony buried in there.

And, of course, the melodrama with #5 continues. I have to shake my head so hard on this my brains almost fall out of my ears. I raised her to be a strong woman and not a victim, but she is very much a victim. I know she can’t let go of people beause of her abandonment fears, but really, she is miserable with rescue boyfriend, yet she just can’t get herself to leave. He’s doing lots of bad stuff and threatening her if she leaves. She knows that I’ll come and get her the minute she calls and she has a safe place here, but nope, she’s hanging on - being dragged into debt for unpaid bills and losing jobs because of him as well. Oh my, oh my.  When she calls and cries, I don’t get into enabling her victim position, I just listen and then I remind her that when she’s ready, we’re here.

But really, I have to remind myself that out of my 14 - only two are doing badly. #6 lost his full time job but he has a part time job and he’s likely to find another full time soon so while he’s doing the struggling that goes with early years of adulthood, he’s also succeeding in most ways and that’s a fact I need to focus on. And, I should be focused on the fact that party boy, while going down the tubes fast, is still coming home every night, he still says “I love you” when he leaves the house, and he still willingly goes to counselling.

And, the Mood Swing Queen, while still cycling through the purple haze of dramatic scenarios, is not a threat to the community, and is soon going off to church camp where she will do well and will come back from it stabilized for a while.

So, off I go to my fun day and focus, focus, focus.

A recent study undertaken on over 4,000 Danish children and youth found that teens who move more than 3 times have a much higher likelihood of attempting suicide. The study, published in the Archives of Psychiatry, noted that the teens who moved reported that they couldn’t keep re-making friends, or finding a social structure in which to join. They developed depression and hopelessness. Now folks, these were teens from typical families. And, that’s what made my heart jump - if youth who have supportive, intact families can’t manage moving, what about teens in foster care? They get moved all the time at the drop of a hat. They may think everything is going well, but surprise, the social worker shows up at school with their belongings in a garbage bag in the trunk, and off they go to yet another set of strangers. Or, they may know that the situation isn’t working out, so they are just waiting day after day for the other shoe to drop and the command to ‘move’ is once again issued. Often, teens aren’t even bounced between families, they just go from group home to group home where they have no chance to form even the slightest social bond with rotating staff.

Let’s face it, teens in foster care have already experienced the ultimate abondment, most have been abused and neglected, most have been pre-natally exposed to drugs and alcohol which further inhibits coping skills, and most have not had the opportunity to learn how to manage or how to self-regulate their moods and tempers. They have no one to lean on, no one to share their fears or their hurts, and they just keep moving. My bet is that if the study was undertaken on teens in foster care, the stats would be even worse.

I’m not sure what can be done about this - other than to make sure the people who work in the ’system’ know about it. I’m going to make sure every social worker I speak with knows about this and that every time I get interviewed I’ll manage to work this in. Who can you tell?

I’m trying to make summer plans hahahahaha like they will all fall into place somehow. I have the Mood Swing Queen going to church camp for a week, but nothing more at this point. She wanted to be in the Teen Leadership Program but they said they would monitor her in the regular youth camp to see how she had matured from last year before they would let her in for more. I guess she didn’t make a very favourable impression last summer. I hope she manages to do it because it’s a great program and she tends to really blossom in that type of situation, and because then she will be gone most of the summer. I know that sounds harsh but getting through summer with moody teens who have FASD is no fun. She also might be attending a wrestling day camp for a few days next week. It struck me as an odd choice of sports, but she joined the wrestling team last year and really found a passion for it. Actually, it quite suits her.

I don’t know what party boy will do. His plans are to stay out all night and sleep all day- in fact that’s his agenda for the rest of his life. My that sounds just peachy. I told him he has to go camping with us but we’ll see. We don’t go very far from home and he’s quite capable of just leaving and hitching a ride home. Oh well, at least he’s independent a bit! Thankfully, we have a great house sitter who can cope if he returns unexpectedly. Still, I would rather he be working or doing something other than wrecking his life and destroying his brain. Is that really too much for a mother to ask of her son? Well, yes, according to him, it’s way too much. I keep reminding myself this is just a phase and we’ll all get through it - but I’m sure you all know that “phases” can feel as if they are never going to end.

 #8 (age 18)  is avoiding looking for work. He’s about as done with school as he’ll ever get so time for him to emancipate. Of course, as I’ve told you before, that’s my agenda, not his. He’s stuck at being about age 12 emotionally and he doesn’t want to grow up. Talk about a Peter Pan Complex. He’s so afraid of the world and so badly wishes he could just live at home for the rest of his life. I would probably let him if it wasn’t for that little problem of him kicking out walls, hurting people, and otherwise being a jerk at times. I was going to move him in with #5 but her rescue boyfriend is now doing dope every day and apparently he plays video games 24/7 so that’s maybe not such a good plan anymore. #5 is coming for a visit next week so she can attend court for some unpaid rents and such. She really never learns to manage money, or to pick a boyfriend who doesn’t spend everything she earns on drugs. They all start out convincing her they really are sober and hard working, they’re just between jobs at the moment. She falls for it and sooner or later she realizes that it was a front and that she’s back in the same old same old. Again, FASD and it’s inability to learn from experience, combined with youth and unresolved childhood issues, and there you have it, a prescription for heart ache and hard times.

Really, I know all of this will work itself out one way or another. Everything in life has a beginning and an end and these horrible days of summer will end too. I’ve learned over the years that all I can do is make the life paths available for my children and then I have to sit back and let them walk the path, or not,  at their own pace.

Ooohhh I feel so awful. Yesterday was the last day of school and there was a great send off for the grade 7’s at my youngest children’s school as well as good bye’s to the many teachers and the principal who are leaving. This school only has 63 students so everyone knows each other very well. Of course, my #11(age 10) couldn’t cope with it all. He can’t even let go of scraps of paper, let alone people and he’s never able to cope with the multitude of fears and obsessions in his life. He’s already worried about going to high school “Mommy, are the big boys who smoke going to beat me up?” even though he has 3 years till he has to deal with that. Normally, I would prepare for him to fall apart and I would have set up everyone else so I had time and energy to be with him and work this out calmly and gently.

So, after school yesterday, he started his predictable screaming rage right after school. I knew what it was about, and I knew what I should do. But, I was busy and I was sick - not deadly sick, just not feeling well the last few days, and I was totally tired - and we were going to a movie and I had to get organized for that. What other excuse can I come up with? Well, none. Now, anyone who has ever attended any of my workshops knows that I always say “Change the emotional state, not the behaviour” but not me last night. I went straight at the behaviours, which of course was the last thing in the world he needed and so I caused him to escalate. I finally even  told him he couldn’t come to the movie which set him off worse.

I know I can’t be on top of my own behaviour every moment. And I know I’m not perfect and I get to be wrong on occasion. But gee whiz, did I have to start his summer off this way? Part of me was doing the behaviour targetting, and another part was standing off to the side of my brain saying “For goodness sake, what is your problem? Why don’t you just reach out and speak softly and cuddle the kid?” We can never re-do moments in life so I can’t re-do that one. But, I can make sure I don’t duplicate it either. I’ve had my bad day, so now it’s time for the good ones.  

So here’s a weird thing, I have tons of followers on Twitter - but I don’t Twit. I signed up for it because I tend to sign up for communication methods, but then I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what I would actually use it for. What would I Twit? “Hi all, I’m just about to clean the boys’ bathroom”  Or maybe - “I’m weeding my garden now” or even “I just broke up another screaming match between the Mood Swing Queen and #10″ or my most regular thing lately “# 12 just got her fingers stuck up her nose again”. People would die of boredom if I actually used that thing.

I was standing behind a woman in a line up the other day and when she paid for her purchase, she opened her purse and pulled out cash and coins. I sort of stood there in awe and envy, as if I was from another planet and had never seen such a thing. Well, I do live in Triangleville and in my world  - cash and coins are stolen too fast for words. I’m so glad we use debit nowadays because I can’t keep a penny. Mostly it’s party boy, Mood Swing Queen, and #12 who do the stealing. I guess 3 out of 8 isn’t bad, but it sure keeps me in awe of people who can have real money on their person. It’s the same with sun glasses. I have to buy ugly sun glasses or the MSQ has them stolen before I get a second wearing. Sometimes she’ll steal my ugly ones too because she’s lost or broken her own.

#5 (age 19) has lost his job again. He’s never managed to keep one very long and at least this lasted several months. It’s the same old thing - he just can’t manage to get up and get to work. FASD prevents him from learning from experience, or from using self discipline to go to bed when there’s a party going on. I won’t give him money, but we are giving him groceries and he’ll be coming home for dinner and laundry a lot. Oh well, at least it gives us chance to see him in his otherwise too busy schedule.

 Here are some great things I could Twit - the MSQ got a citizenship award at school and she passed her socials exam with an A. You might find it hard to believe that she could be so great -well, not to take anything away from her, but her school is full of kids with much more serious problems than hers so her moods and her lies don’t really show up there - also, she has a great interest in all things World War Two, something she and I share, and since that’s what she was studying this year, she really put her heart into it. I am very proud of how much she understands about the Holocaust - she really dug into that and did a great job.

Another Twit worthy item - little #11, age 10, just passed his final level of skating. He’s a dynamite hockey player and I kept him in skating to make sure he had the foot work. All the other kids at his level of skating are two feet taller and 4 years older than him and he passed the first go around, so I’m bursting with pride on that one.

Final Twit worthy item of the day - #10 is going to get an award at school tomorrow for being a great office helper. Proud, proud, proud.

Every once in a while I crawl out of my self centred world to take a look at what is going on elsewhere. Really, no wonder I don’t do this often. The first bit of news that hit me was that a teen in Europe “feel asleep” while having her face tattooed and when she woke up she discovered that instead of the 3 tattooes she’d asked for, the tattoo guy had put 56 on her face. Well, she was upset and is now suing. The tattoo guy’s position is that she asked for all of them, she never went to sleep, and she only came up with this story when her dad saw her and blew up. I tend to believe the tattoo guy on this - I can’t imagine falling asleep while your face is being tattooed. She isn’t any better at making up stories than my kids.

The second bit of “news” is that the Kate and Jon + 8 couple are divorcing. Well, that’s their business, but it did make me think a bit about marital relationships and large adoptive families. That’s an area that’s very under studied but needs to be looked at. Divorce is hard on all children, but I think that for older adopted children with their abandonment issues, fasd, adhd, etc. and inability to cope with change, it would create a level of emotional chaos that would be deadly for all concerned. I wonder what facgtors and issues keep up together, and what pulls us apart? I’m going to look for any info I can on that, but if any of you know of some, would you send it my way?

I was informed the other day that one of my younger daughters was entertaining her music class by repeatedly lifting up her blouse for all to see whatever there is to see on a 9 year old, and then stuffing her index fingers up her nostrils (both fingers at the same time - quite a feat I must say). I really was at a loss to know how to respond to this. I finally settled on making my first trip to the new Rona store (sort of like a Lowe’s in the US) without her. She is my gardening and house reno buddy so we had been long planning our first trip to the new store as an adventure together. I told her I just couldn’t take her after she had behaved that way in public. I really don’t think that was likely the best response, but it was all I could come up with. Sometimes there just aren’t any obvious ways to handle the weird behaviours.  

Well, today I’ll be weeding the garden and tomorrow I’m going to Chilliwack for a day to take some stuff over to Jason and his family. I treasure my time with them - it always feels like vacation - you know how it is - that need to be with a semi successful adult child who thinks you are wonderful and that being adopted and raised by you was a gift. Time with them always gives me additional strength to keep on keeping on  in the face of so many weird chest exposure and nostril filling type days.

I both love and dread the end of the school year. I love it that the endless sports activities are over (except hockey - even when the season ends, there are the training camps and drill schools and whatever else), but at least the Irish dance, the soccer, the Cubs, the Brownies, the Sparks, the gymnastics, the skating and swimming lessons are done with. I like it that my 5 youngest are so sports oriented and active, but my goodness, it’s nice to be able to stay home after supper rather than rushing off to something. Our property is a lot of fun for younger children. They build forts in the bush and they have swings and a trampoline and all that stuff so they run around outside till it’s dark.

Of course, as you all know, the down side of last days of school is that everyone falls apart emotionally as they lose their structure and routine and have to say good bye to teachers they love and friends they won’t see for two months. The mood in my house this week has been mostly one of hysteria and hystrionics (how on earth do you spell that?). It’s also been a depressing for #7 who realized he isn’t ever going to graduate. At the rate he does school work, he will be 23 before he finishes (no joke) and we aren’t willing to commit to him living at home another week let alone another 5 years. #8 is also semi looking for work as he has decided he won’t go back to school. I feel so sorry for #8 because his adhd is so bad - and he won’t let me do neurofeedback with him, he says he’s too busy!!!! - anyway, when a person with adhd is  confronted with a moderate task, such as reading, the frontal lobes sort of shut down, and the fastest way the brain can wake itself up is experience frustration which is expressed through anger. So, of course, when he tries to do school work, he first experiences the frustration then the anger and he’s at THAT AGE when he won’t listen to me about the process and simply has decided he’s too stupid to be in school and is hoping he can find some magic job that will pay $100 per hour. Oh well, dream on son, this phase will pass. Surprisingly enough, #9 is doing very well. She’s had a very successful school year and she managed to keep a friend so she’s on a more even emotional keel than she’s ever been. I’ve been able to like being around her and enjoyed her company.

$5 is planning to move home again so she can once again re-stabilize her life. Bdad has shown he’s still a druggie and a violent guy and RB has proven he won’t work. Right now she’s mostly just baby sitting a little guy whose mom is a cocaine user. My oh my….her drama does go on. So, we’ll see what summer has in store for her. Her perspective is that she’s done with bparents and is very thankful she’s got us. Nice to hear from someone who could only snarl and sneer at me throughout her early teens. As I’ve mentioned before, she and I have become very close and I just love having her around. She was so very hard to raise, right from the time she arrived at age 4.5 she was an angry, non-compliant, uncuddly, unnattached little swirl of rage and that only grew until she reached 17, then it all started to melt away and she sort of morphed into the sweetest, nicest, kindest, most attached young woman you could ever know. It just goes to show that you can never judge how your child will turn out.

Well, it will be an interesting summer with lots of fun and I hope, very little drama.

I’m back from Atlanta and diving head first into all the calamities and carnage that occured while I was gone. Actually, it could have been worse - no one’s in jail (although it was a close call) or in the hospital - but it’s still a mess of emotional and some physical crap. Well, that’s the cost of me going away and I’m always aware of that when I choose to leave home. I seldom go anywhere anymore but I needed/wanted this course so off I went knowing that there would be a heavy cost. Part of my decision to go regardless of the fall out is that I simply won’t be held hostage by my children.  We all give up the better part of our lives to raise our hurting and hurtful children, but I can’t help but crave the occasional release from Triangleville.

This training was another neurofeedback course which is all about neuroscience. So, naturally, it all relates to my practice and my home. One of the things we covered in the course that got me thinking was about the impact of maternal stress hormones on the fetus. I am aware of these, but knowing what was going on at home in my absence really got me thinking about a couple of these. Particularly, that maternal stress hormones cause the male fetuses to grow up to be more aggressive and violent, and it causes the female fetuses to grow up to seek early pregnancy. It makes perfect sense if you are a DNA seeking to propel yourself to the next generation. After all, while the fetus’s neurons are being created and organized (or disorganized by alcohol exposure) they are under assault by the maternal stress hormones so the DNA decides it has to create a person who can survive danger (hence the tendency to aggression) and can procreate for species survival (hence the drive for early pregnancy).

On the long, long trip home, I couldn’t help but feel disillusioned because the more we learn about hard wiring and genetics, the more I wonder if my attempts to re-wire my children’s brains will ever be worth the trauma and hard, hard work that we parents do. And, as I walked into the chaos and after shock of all that went on while I was gone, I became downright depressed and hopeless. But then, Jason called.

Let me tell you, there never was a more criminally bent, aggressive,  conduct disordered youth to be found than Jason. He was everything that no one wants to parent. That was all years ago, and last night he was calling to tell me that his little girl is booked for heart surgery on the 11th of September. And then I knew it was worth it. Jason’s younger sibs didn’t get adopted and they are all violent street people who can’t parent their children. Jason, while not perfect, is a loving father who takes wonderful care of his daughter; who has stayed on top of all her complex medical needs; who I know will be sitting by her side the minute she is out of surgery and he will do every single thing that has to be done to take care of her after the surgery. Of course, I’ll be there beside him, but only to offer support, not because he can’t do it. My grandaugter isn’t going to end up in foster care and she is getting a great start to life. I get to see the difference we made in Jason’s life every time I look at her.

Well, that call from Jason strengthened me and I’ll trudge on through another day with a bit more hope and a better attitude. Thanks you Jason.

#5 called last night - she was in a temper. It seems she’s beginning to get the reality of life with RB (Rescue Boyfriend). She finally noticed that they’ve had to move almost every month that they’ve been together and that he won’t hold a job. He just got fired from a job that her bdad got him because he stayed up too late playing video games and didn’t feel like going to work. So, they’re living in a house with 2 other people and she’s the only one working. He’s also smoking a lot of pot (on what money?) and she hates that and is hurt that he doesn’t care.  I reminded her that she can always move home and she said yes, she’s thinking of doing so. I hope she does, this young woman who was a drug addled, screaming banshee only 3 years ago is now a very levelling influence on the other teens and a joy to be around. I’d like it if she would take some kind of real post high school training and move toward a stable employment future and I think that after all these months of job hopping she’s starting to see the wisdom in that.

Last night #7 decided I was crabby because when he asked me, at 4;30,  when supper would be ready I replied “When I get to it.” His response was to wait till I was out of ear shot but the littles were all present and he said “I can’t wait till the beep is dead.” That was very upsetting for them and they all ran to tell me. I would have rather just let it go - after all - he really did say ‘beep’ instead of a worse word, and I don’t care about angry utterances out of my hearing. However, I do care about bad mouthing in front of the littles so I had to do something. Greatly resenting that I had to spend time on this - I went to him and reminded him that all that stands between him and the street is “this beep” so he better hope I don’t die too soon. Really, I get so tired of this. I never expected gratitude from a teen, but he’s 18.5 now and I would think that he could at least just mutter or mumble, rather than having to be so public in his silly verbal retaliations. Yes, yes, I know, he has a mental illness and he is functioning years behind his age, but still, it does get boring at times.

Tomorrow I’m going to Atlanta Georgia for some more training in Neurofeedback. I’ ve never been there before and unfortunately won’t have time to do any sightseeing because these three day trainings often run from 9 a.m. to 8p.m. and there’s nothing left of me by then. The first McCreight’s to step foot on North American soil settled in Georgia in the 1600’s and I know I’ve still got very distant relatives there. While I’m gone I’ve got the Mood Swing Queen in respite so the rest of the family is safe from her, and little #12 will do all the watering of the gardens for me while I’m gone so hopefully they will still be growing when I get back. So, the next few days it will be airplanes and hotels for me, with no outdoor time - not very enticing - but lots of learning and a break from moody, boring teens.