What do I do now…?
May 9th, 2008Transitioning our children into adulthood has to be the toughest part of the job, at least that’s my opinion. I can deal with the ups and downs of raising them because that’s my life - I can manage things, I can discipline, I can scold, I can cuddle and love, I can provide opportunities and encouragement, I can provide meaningful consequences. I live with locking up all the knives and keeping the money in a small bedroom safe. But, once they hit an age where most youth would be moving onto independence, then it’s a whole new game.
What brought this all on? Surely you can guess…it’s good old #6. To refresh your memory, he’s 18, adopted at age 10, usual lousy childhood, bad foster home, fasd, high IQ, good looking, smooth talker, no conscience. So, he didn’t quite graduate from high school but he got into college in a Culinary Arts program (one of the best in Canada) but only lasted from September to March, when he was kicked out for chronic lateness and absences. Throughout his teens he was fired from his part time jobs for the same reasons. Last month, he got a really good job as a prep cook at a super restaurant. He was very excited as this was his route to the chef’s career he wants.
I was also thrilled because it meant he had a good full time income and I could give him his exit papers from home. Well, I bet you can guess what happened. He “missed” a shift, and then never went back because he assumed he was fired. So, once again, he is unemployed, no lessons learned (as is the way with FASD), and sleeping on the couch in the teen tv area (I gave away his bedroom to #5 when I thought he was leaving in early March- in our large family, once you are supposed to be gone, the bedrooms are up for grabs). He’s also still a major party boy and still rude and argumentative with me. But, what do you do when they’re 18? I can’t ground an 18 year old for getting fired, I can’t withhold any allowance since I don’t give him one (I have some unpleasant guesses about where he gets his money for drugs and alcohol), I can’t withhold driving priveleges because he never learned to drive, and I don’t want to kick out an unemployed youth - at least not yet. He’s off again for another fun weekend with friends, so I won’t see him until sometime next week. He won’t show up for my birthday on Saturday or for Mother’s Day on Sunday- which is fine with me.
As mad as this guy makes me, I love him very much. I want him to succeed, but I don’t see success coming his way any time soon. I know he’s young and many changes are ahead of him, but the basic challenges have never changed with him, he still steals something almost every time he goes into a store, and time is catching up with him. He doesn’t see himself as an adult, but the world does. If he’s caught stealing again, or on a drug charge it will be in adult court. And, I will offer him every support to get another job but I won’t let him stay at home past the end of the month. I’ll buy him dishes and sheets and all that he needs when he moves out, but he has to move out. I don’t think he will begin to grow up any other way. So, sideways and backwards we go.
For those of you who are new to older child adoption - I want to assure you that it isn’t the same for every youth. #5, age 19, stopped her wild ways a year ago, returned to school and graduated, and is now in a great trades training program. We are happy to have her living at home with us because she is doing something positive with her life, she helps out, she’s kind and funny to our little ones, she lives an all around healthy lifestyle, and she’s simply good company to live with. So, some are easier than others - yours might be an easier one too!
